Relationships
I thought writing on relationships would be cliché for two reasons, the first being, isn’t it obvious how relationships happen? and secondly, there are countless articles and books on them. As you have already figured, those thoughts… though valid, do not hold water because relationships will always be part of us, major part of who we are, as created as relational beings, wherever we are and so the topic will never cease to be relevant. Most of the books on the topic do very well explaining the what and the how, that is, what a relationship is, and how to be in one. Most classic examples are friendships which begin with, “You too?” work relationships begin with us dressing for an interview for the job you want and then boom- you are acquainted with a bunch of people working towards the same organizational goal-hopefully. Family relationships begin with being born, adopted, or brought up in a specific home with people. See, some of these relationships we do not get to choose, sit down and perhaps ask ourselves what being in this type of relationship would look like and possibly to what end. This is especially true when it comes to the romantic relationships which begin with rather different feelings, hopes or desires for a particular someone. Most books have not failed to tell us these kinds of relationships, what they are like and how to be in them, but how many have you come across, explain the “why”? Why are we in them? Why must (or must not), in some specific cases, be in them? To what end?
Whether or not these thoughts have crossed our minds, the world, so tainted with sin, has ideas ready for grabs. Modeling backwards what God has made for our enjoyment and his glory, tell us single equals lonely, marriage equals bondage, money equals power, children equal burden, I could go on, but you already get the point. All these efforts not to totally sway us away from getting into relationships at all- but instead, getting into them in order to gain something in return. Dating for validation- everyone else is doing it-, making friends to be part of a clique, marrying for a socially relevant title… What the world is doing is trying to steal away our attention from finding our deepest satisfaction and identity on God and luring us to seek to validate our hungry hearts using those around us, and the extremes of this are detrimental because on one end we are what our friends want of us and this trap is one of the easiest to fall into because relationships are inescapable and powerfully influential and on the other end we are ultimately making an idol out of these relationships. So, unto them we live, move, and have our being, bowing down to them, to the glory of ourselves.
Knowing how idolatry functioned in history may tempt us to believe that it doesn’t exist now. Baal may have died along with the people that gave him “life,” but that primitive form of idolatry has in fact been transferred to us by way of nature and evolved into another less obvious version of the same. What might have been Baal once is now sexual identity, sex, autonomy, intellect, relationships, money, marriage, legalism, politics, power, ethnicity, food, social media, children, or whatever other made thing you can think of. We take what God called good and remove a letter, idolize, or worship the creation over the Creator. Give ultimate status in our lives and hope with all of our hearts it will be the deity that we’ve ordained it as. For every empty bottle of wine, drunk to the dredges without self-control, there is the proof of a soul wanting to find peace in something that doesn’t have it to give. Or a little closer to home, getting into a romantic relationship in order to feel validated, provided for, or even feel safe is proof of a soul looking to be known and loved from someone suffering from the exact ailment.
The perspective that God gives his children to view their lives is important to emphasize. This perspective is essential for navigating the complexities of relationships where sin and grace intersect. Without it, one may either remain unaware or become distrustful. In times of difficulty, relying solely on human wisdom and methods may yield temporary fixes but cannot ensure sustainable personal and relational transformation. The fundamental limitation of human wisdom is the proposition: relationships can be improved without the need for personal change. Embracing this outlook ultimately leads to settling for less than what God intends for one's life and relationships. As CS Lewis observed, “Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink, sex, and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” If our relationships are so good, then they should make us behold Jesus… if the created can be so good, how much more goodness can the Creator dispense? Do we not want to behold him and want to glorify him in the ways we enjoy the relationships he gave us? If that’s what you want too then great because He is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him, Piper notes.
Vertical communion with God is crucial for horizontal community, and creation is aimed to point to God. However, sin often makes us prioritize people and creation over God, leading to weak desires and a focus on human relationships instead of God. Elevating creation above Creator destroys the relationships God intended. God gave relationships not just for our enjoyment but our sanctification as well. These relationships should exist within the bigger circle of the community of believers as they are part of his redemption purposes. God's love and care for us is not about making relationships easier, but about revealing our weaknesses and seeking help when needed. The messiness of relationships allows us to grow and mature with weak and needy individuals finding hope in Christ's grace. The most dangerous aspect of relationships is delusions of strength, which can lead to self-reliance and a lack of intimacy. The most meaningful relationships involve working through difficulty and hardship. We seek strategies to ease relationships, such as better planning, communication, role definitions, conflict resolution, to name a few, however, the Bible emphasizes that Christ is the only real hope for relationships, as he can address the core motivations and desires of our hearts. It’s in relationships where our sin tries to rear its head, we are forbearing until we are inconvenienced. Faithful until we are tempted by beauty that we find elsewhere. Humble until we find ourselves perfect or better than. Gentle until we demand perfection, and the list goes on.
Knowing the why does not spare us from incurring the hurts that comes from relationships. This is because these relationships happen between sinners. And Christians are not spared from this, because they are both saint and sinners. In every relationship, both sin and grace play a significant role and have a strong impact. Sin hinders the potential of grace, while grace compensates for the effects of sin. Our relationships vividly display this dynamic mixture of gold and dross. So, we cannot and must not idolize anything that God created for our sanctification, and certainly not think of relationships as an end, but rather with a proper view we will see that they are but a means to an end, where the end is being in relationship with God. Since people are messy, so are relationships- but knowing what God is doing through them, we can all agree that they are a mess worth making. Knowing this, I trust we are able to conflict hopefully, that is, when we do conflict, we do so with a hope of reconciliation, forgiveness, and grace. I say this because in a world where everyone is doing what’s best for themselves, “each man for himself” the bible teaches us to be forgiving, gentle, patient, and loving one another is one of the most explicit ways it teaches us how to. In light of the messiness of our experience with relationships we might just wonder, why even bother with them? Because God did.
