Navigating Boundaries as Christians

Boundaries are rarely discussed in most Christian communities, the topic is even more foreign in the communities we grew up in. In many circles, the concept feels unfamiliar. For some, their only exposure to boundaries might have been in school subjects—like learning about friendships and avoiding bullies—but beyond that, it wasn’t something emphasized. This becomes even more challenging if you grew up in a home without structure, where you did as you pleased and aimed to please others without considering how it affected you or those around you. These are clear ingredients for developing unhealthy boundaries, which inevitably impact one's life when they become a follower of Christ.

I agree we are to serve those around us and to die to self like Christ did to serve others (Luke 9:23), we are to rejoice in the Lord always (Philippians 4:4), we are to bear fruits of the Spirit including self-control and joy (Gal 5:22-23) and to “bear one another’s burdens (Gal. 6:2). But the truth is we are not Christ. As much as we would love to control our sinful nature, be perfect, and bear each other’s burdens, we do so imperfectly ; that is why we need Christ because He is perfect, we are fallen and very limited creatures and most certainly  WE ARE NOT GOD. We cannot help everyone the way we desire and we are called  to acknowledge that and to not try play hero to everyone. We should learn to serve within our capacity and when our capacity is not sufficient, we serve by praying and pointing to those who are capable

I have noticed in most cases how quickly one can turn into a villain when they are unable to help others. We cannot shy away from the fact that we sometimes refuse to help because of our selfishness. We enjoy our comfortable lives, so when someone comes asking for help, they crash our boats, and we need to put that to death quickly because it is ungodly and is not Christ-like. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with realizing and admitting you are unable to help others and letting them know. That is part of loving them and that is having healthy boundaries that are helpful in navigating the relationship with honesty. Imagine making matters worse for the other person because you refused to be seen as helpless, weak or not knowing how to do something. That amount of pride is deadly and ruins relationships because not only did you put yourself first, but you completely turned a blind eye on the other person’s desire for the matter to resolve and the ease that will come with it. This is obviously general, but I am sure you have examples running through your mind where you  wanted to show them you can do something even though you had zero clue how to do or fix it. That’s being fuelled by arrogance and not confidence, there really is a difference.

In their book Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend look at John 15:1-4 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit, he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.  Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.” When I first read that in the context of their book it was so clear to me that boundaries are not a new thing to Christianity (but were to me), God himself has them! Look at verse 2, “He cuts off every brunch in me that bears no fruits”, not everyone can have fellowship with Jesus and not everyone who reads the bible will understand what it means. God gives the Holy Spirit to the ones He chooses according to His will, and it is only through receiving the Holy Spirit’s help you get to bear fruits and understand what the bible says. Those are boundaries right there.

I asked a couple of Christians (new and old believers) a question: “Are boundaries necessary if you are a Christian and why?”. Here is what they had to say:

“I would say that boundaries must be in place because our hearts/sinful nature apart from God's work by His Spirit have the potential for incredible wickedness, therefore we must be bound by the commands/words of God in how we conduct ourselves. We also have to exercise boundaries with other people to help keep us from influencing each other to fall into a place of dishonouring God. If all our behaviour naturally and automatically was always in tune with God's will, then we would not require boundaries, but the boundaries are the guardrails that keep us on the path of what is best for ourselves, for others and honours God. The word of God in many places encourages self-control which in itself is an exercise in which you are applying the principle of boundaries because when we apply self-restraint, we are acknowledging that there is a certain extent of conduct by our words, thoughts or actions that is not to be pursued which is an application or exercise in boundaries. God had boundaries from the beginning with Adam and Eve and then In Genesis 3 they went beyond that boundary resulting in the fall and our condemnation apart from Christ.”

“So Yes I think it's very necessary for a Christian to set boundaries and reason being - actually takes me back to Genesis when in a world full of chaos God brought order. Boundaries help bring order in the world and so it shall in a Christians life in order to bring honor and glory to our creator.”

“Yes I do think boundaries are necessary and helpful for Christians. The first reason that pops to my mind is longevity. As followers of Jesus we are called to surrender our whole lives in service to His kingdom. But as finite people this means that we are not superheroes. We cannot keep going like robots and expect to partake in effective and meaningful service. No, we get tired, we feel burdened and we need rest. Therefore, boundaries are super important for ensuring that we are able to maintain a kingdom lifestyle til the end without collapsing or falling into unfaithfulness. Practical boundaries like healthy bedtimes or Sabbath days or social media fasts are examples of such. Boundaries are protections like fences around a home or piece of land. They keep safe what's inside and keep away what's harmful outside. A land without a fence is unprotected and at risk of being misused or taken over. Similarly our lives as Christians need protecting in a world of evil. Even our own deceitful hearts need boundaries to keep what's good in and what's bad out.”

“Yes, I think Christians should have boundaries. God has given us a standard to live by, in some where it's clear cut, what He wants to do and not do. In some cases where it hasn't been categorically stated, but it may lead to regret or sin.”

At the end of the day, the truth is we all struggle with boundaries whether it’s putting them in place or respecting other people’s boundaries. These questions have helped me as I try understanding boundaries and I hope they help you too:

·         How many of you, before or even after becoming Christians thought having boundaries was selfish?

·         How many of you have thought someone was arrogant and a bad person because they had said no to you when we asked them for something, even though they had no malicious intents?

·         And how many of you thought being a Christian was all about being a good person and saying yes to everything everyone asks, except the obvious sins?

·         How many of you here have felt “used” and not appreciated because people seem to be always coming to you with issues and your relationship with them is all about you being there for them and not the other way around?

·         How many of us have felt like saying no would be the biggest or unforgivable betrayal from you to the receiver?

·         This one may hit home, but how many of you have gone broke trying to save that one family member who is financially irresponsible?

References

J Townsend, H. Cloud, 2017. Boundaries: When to say Yes , How to say no.