When we’re frustrated with other Christians: 6 responses
Are you frustrated by a brother or sister in Christ? It could be a fellow church member. Or a church leader – either over you, or alongside you. It could be your Christian flatmate, or spouse, or your kids.
Regardless, there’s something they do, or something they say; something they don’t do, or something they don’t say which you find consistently frustrating. And you wish their actions, words or patterns would change.
Community often can involve conflict. The background to many of the Apostles’ exhortations for us to love and bear with one another assume that we’ll have issues with one another in community (eg Col 3:12-14). Why? Because even in Christ, we struggle with sin especially in the contexts of the relationships around us. Someone once described it as porcupines in bags – and we keep poking one another in the eye, or arm or whatever.
Are you frustrated with certain fellow Christians?
I’m surely not alone in the struggle. And I certainly know I’ve caused my own fair share of frustrations for others! With that in mind, below stand 6 responses that have helped me to navigate my own sin and failings, as well as of others.
1. Examine your own heart
We can easily notice other people’s issues but be blind to our own. We discover the speck before the plank (Matt 7:3). And yet, by the Spirit, we need to first pause and examine our own hearts and lives. Obviously this won’t fit every scenario but we should ask the question: Could the issue, or part of the issue, lie more with us, than with them?
Put another way: sometimes our issues with others say and reveal more about us than about them. Yes, legitimate concerns and problems may exist. Perhaps even justified frustration. Nevertheless, before we deal with others, we should first examine ourselves.
Examining ourselves
Perhaps try these diagnostic questions:
What might my frustration with others say and reveal about me?
What is it that I hold dear that I feel is being threatened or not carried out?
Am I judging this person by my own standards, or by God’s standards?
Am I wanting this person to be in my image, or in Christ’s?
Check your own heart. What are the circumstances and situations firstly saying about you?
As we pray through this, we might discover that we’re more of an issue in this issue than we thought or knew. It could be that we are holding people to a higher standard than we should. It could be that we are so easily frustrated because our own identity in Christ is so fragile. It could be several things. But at the very least, this self-examination might shape us towards a healthier recognition of our own struggles as we humbly wrestle with the struggles of others.
2. Turn your struggles with others into prayer (and thank God for them)
There are several good reasons to pray for those we are currently frustrated with:
If we are convinced change needs to happen, then only God can do the deeper work. So, pray for them.
God gives us opportunities to love others, even in our issues with them. And so… pray for them.
I would suspect that as we pray regularly for this person, a few things will take place:
God may work in them and by his grace answer your prayers.
God may work in you and by his grace soften your own heart towards them, increasing your love and concern for them.
If we’re to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us, then at the very least we can do the same for saints who exasperate us. Right?
Counter complaining with thanksgiving
And perhaps added to this: it may be a good idea to note the good we see in this person. Nothing quite drives out complaints like thanksgiving.
Where can you see your Father at work in what this persons does or says or thinks? Write points down and actively pray in thanksgiving for them and God’s work in and through them. Note the good, in part to keep your heart from growing bitter but also to keep in mind God’s active grace to them (as to you).
Turn our frustrations about people into prayer, and thanksgiving for them.
3. Watch your speech about them to others
Far better to talk to God about them, than to talk to others about them.
But if we do need to talk to others about this person then we must watch what we say and how we say it. Watch for gossip. Watch for slander. Watch for moaning and grumbling. Watch for pride and arrogance. Watch for poisoning others’ opinions or relationship with this person in question. Watch for a lack of grace.
Most of us have people we download with or to: your roommate, your friend, your gym buddy. And it can be good to talk to others about those who frustrate us. But beg the Lord that both what you say and how you say it is truthful and graceful. Many times it can be a fine line. And we need God’s grace in this. And we need Christian friends who don’t pour more oil on the fire but instead in godly moment pull up the hand break and help us to watch what we are saying and how we are saying it.
4. Raise issues when you feel you must
I’ve met very few people who enjoy confrontation – and I’m glad about that, they’re unpleasant. And more than that, the Scriptures warn us about those with an unhealthy appetite for controversy or nit-picking or arguments.
On the other hand, I would suspect that most of us are far too gun shy about having robust conversations. This could be by temperament, or family systems history, or just because of sheer sin – for instance people pleasing/fear of people.
But the Scriptures talk much about the goodness of rebukes and warnings (think Proverbs for instance). They can be a means of grace. And friends, especially those who are saints, willing to say a tough word in love are gold. We don’t need yes-men – we need those who love the Lord and love us enough to call out certain issues and to raise concerns. To have robust conversations. For our good, and for kingdom good.
Having ‘the conversation’
Responsible Christian love at times demands that we broach topic or issues we’d rather not. To be the one to say ‘um… can we talk about X?’ To have the kind of conversations that might require a change of shirt afterwards.
And even if what we have to say is valid, how we talk to this person matters: in both our manner and motives. But if we’ve been checking our own hearts, and if we have been praying for and about this person, then there is a good chance that the Lord will already be shaping our tone and words to be ones that come alongside and not over the person we need to talk to. And so, if the issue does need discussing then, for their good and with love, have the conversation. Conformity to Christ does often include needing to have and hear fierce conversations. And secure in Christ, we can both initiate and receive those kinds of exchanges.
5. Swallow some of the issues (and pray the long game)
It takes wisdom and godliness to know when to step up for that conversation. It also takes wisdom and godliness to know when to ‘let love cover over a multitude of sins’ (1 Peter 4:8). There is a time to raise issues, and there is a time to let them lie, or even just swallow them entirely.
Of course, because I think most of us shy away from confrontation, I put this as the 5th point and not the 4th. Many of us might perhaps be prone to sell our lack of responsible action as ‘love that forgets’. And yet perhaps in reality, all we do is drive the issue deeper, or practise classic diversion techniques that don’t really work.
For others, perhaps too prone to critique, this point is crucial. Love is patient. Love does let some things slide. Love does choose when to fight, but also when to lay down arms. Love remembers the Lord’s patience with us.
And so perhaps on reflection we understand that some issues can just be swallowed, or put in perspective. In some cases we can simply decide that this isn’t a big deal – if that is indeed the case. And that can be a God honouring and neighbour loving response.
Whatever the case, even if we decide to do that, continue in prayer. If the issue is small and insignificant enough, or even if it seems too large to handle, pray the long game!
6. In and over all this, entrust things to the Lord
This point has already been said in several ways throughout the previous responses. But it is so basic and yet so foundation that it is worth ending with.
Maybe you had the conversation, and it didn’t go well. Maybe your particular motives are stained with sin and you’re unable to sort out your own heart. Maybe these frustrations seem impossible to deal with or rectify.
Regardless, look to the Lord: entrust matters and people and frustrations to him.
The saint you are frustrated with is your sibling in Christ, but more than that, they are answerable to their Father in heaven. That minister or ministry worker driving you up the wall, they are servants of the Master above. Let the Lord do as he sees fit. Guard your own heart, let love reign. And entrust matters to him. He is good, and he will work things out. Either now, or later. Pray to him.
This post appeared as a two-part piece for The Gospel Coalition Africa here and here.
